Thoughts

I've had some thoughts rolling around in my head that I just wanted to get down.

There's been times when Tyson and I weren't sure where we were going to live. . .like when we went to Hawaii six weeks after we got married and it took 10 days of staying with random people until we found an apartment. Or the second time when we went back to Hawaii with our four-month old firstborn. That time we at least had a camping plan, and a car to go back to, and people we knew. My stress level went up when I found out, just days before returning, that the driver's side window was broken, blowing my plan of "if it rains super hard while we're camping we can always just sleep in the car." But it worked out. After camping a couple of days, and staying with some friends for a week, something opened up in student housing like we knew it would.

Everyone knows we've moved a lot. One move was five days after Jeffrey was born. Another move--across the ocean--was 13 days after Amri was born. But it's worked for us, and we've actually enjoyed most of the moving and change. But to be honest, this last time I was pregnant, I frequently thought, "How nice it's going to be that we won't be moving within two weeks of the baby being born. It's going to be the middle of the semester. No way we're moving. We'll totally be settled, unlike the first two babies being born right before the semester begins."

In some ways I think I was setting up a limit for myself, like, "I've done this before, and it was fine, but I'm NOT doing it again. Not with two other little kids." But sometimes Heavenly Father tests our limits--or what we think are our limits.

On September 20, after signing the initial contract on our house and put down our earnest money, I felt so so so good about our decision. I had so much peace, such a powerful confirmation from the Spirit that we were doing the right thing--which was nice because it was a huge decision and hadn't felt that before. I don't exactly remember the last time I felt such a powerful confirmation like that (maybe it was when we got married? going to Wisconsin in '08?) but it was great. Everything was smooth sailing from that point on, I felt. It all came crashing down when we got a call three days later from our landlord, demanding we either sign an 8 month contract starting October 1 (we had previously been renting month to month), or move out October 31. That's when I knew we were going to be homeless for the month of November--exactly the month our third baby was due. Talk about STRESS!!!

But I realized something a few days later as I was reading the scriptures. It seems like whenever the Lord gave a commandment, or people were doing what they were supposed to, it always, always ALWAYS got harder before it got easier. Like the Israelites in Egypt--when Moses said they were going to leave, Pharaoh took away their straw to make bricks and made their lives so miserable the Israelites blamed and cursed Moses for even trying. Nephi and the brass plates--a few attempts on their lives before they finally got them. Alma and the people in Helam, doing everything right and getting made slaves to the Lamanites, even to the point where they were commanded by them not to pray. So why? Why does the Lord allow or sometimes cause things to get harder before they get easier?

I think it may be to just show how great He is and how much power He really has. Honestly, if the Israelites had just walked out of Egypt the first time Moses went to Pharaoh, would they have credited the Lord? Or would they have just thought how easy it was and why they didn't try that 300 years earlier. There would have been no plagues, no Passover, no parting of the Red Sea. But because they had been kept down so low, He had the opportunity to do so much to bring them up and show that He can do all things if we put our trust in Him.

So things haven't been easy the last couple of months, but I cannot express how many blessings the Lord has poured on us. He gave us great friends to stay with when we needed it for the month of November. We've been able to spend more time with family. Health. Better finances. A beautiful new baby boy. What we once thought was a trial turned out to work out better than we could have imagined. And even now, with our latest challenge--our van completely broke down two days before we were supposed to go back to Colorado, leaving me in Utah with the kids until the holidays while Tyson took a bus back to CU for his last two weeks of the semester--has turned out for the best. Before our van broke down, I kept thinking, "As long as the van holds out we'll be okay. . .as long as we don't have to spend money on a new vehicle we'll be able to get by buying our new home." Well, it did indeed break down. And we're still okay. Honestly, I've felt the happiest I've felt all year lately.

I'm not sure I'm getting across what I want to say. . .basically, even when we have righteous goals, or are trying following the commandments, sometimes, to start out, it's going to be impossible to do because the Lord wants to show us that we need Him in EVERYTHING, even in doing what's right. And so it's often going to get harder before it's easier even when we're following the promptings of the Spirit, sometimes BECAUSE we're following the promptings of the Spirit. To make another analogy, when I first started running in Junior High, I hated it. It was hard. But all of the sudden, after months of making myself do it, it got easier. It got fun. And it was good. 

So in the end, after going through a period when what we're trying to achieve seems impossible, goals and commandments we're trying to fulfill suddenly work out. Because with God ALL things are possible, ESPECIALLY when it doesn't look that way. That's what is so cool.

That's all.